Well, as most people know, my father is unknown and my Mother played the role of Mom AND Dad so here's a little blog of appreciation to her for all the struggles she has pulled through while she was packing me around with her. Here are some words that my Mom wrote me in a book that she gave me as a gift.
"My joy as a mother began the moment I knew life was stirring inside me. And those next few months, waiting for you to arrive, were a ride of excitement, joy, nervousness and "first time" experiences. Underneath the excitement, I wondered if I was ready for you. But deep inside, I suspected that those feelings were just nature's way of changing things around and making room for you. Wow, what a feeling... excitement for the tiny beating heart inside me. and then concern for how will I do this all on my own? What will Grandma Ann think? and where is that man that swept me off my feet? How will I ever find him again? The story behind your name goes like this. it was going to be Ashley or Jocelyn... when i laid eyes on you for the first time, I exclaimed: "Shes a beauty, shes a beauty! Look at her tiny hands and feet oh my goodness shes so pretty my little Ashley Ann." Finally when you were here I held Heaven in my arms. I remember watching you sleep thinking of how many big dreams were dancing behind those tiny eyelids. My hopes and dreams then, was to be able to protect you from harm. I hoped to find your father so that we could share the joy together and he would be a part of your life! The most memorable milestone was when you were learning to ride your first two wheeler alone and you finally got it! You turned around to see if I was watching... and you crashed! Ouch!
You weren't little anymore when you wanted to go to the movies by yourself and pick out your own styles of clothes. Miss independent. First time I saw you as a young lady was your first prom with your first corsage... my eyes filled with tears as I starred at your infinite beauty and realized what a beautiful young lady you've become. I only wished your father could have been there with me! As our relationship continues i look forward to the moment you become a mother for the first time and see the miracle of creation and birth. See you with the joy of motherhood on your face. That is when the relationship of a mother and daughter become ever sooo strong. and only a mother can truly experience that feeling of closeness with her child! I knew someday you would leave and have your own hopes and dreams to fulfill and no one else can live your life for you. Discover yourself and be happy with who you are. I wish you strength through challenges, wisdom to choose battles carefully,serenity from your inner voice while the world rushes around you. Now my hopes and dreams for you are that you continue to set and reach your goals as you have been. That all YOUR dreams may come true! What I miss most about you being little was how curious you were about EVERYTHING. and as you were learning to walk if you stumbled I would be there to catch you. and that proud look on 'Grandma Ann's' face as she showed you off to the whole world! Your little precious voice always asked, "Whas tha Mommy?" What I love most about the daughter you are now... Is the daughter you've become... from all your life experiences and unfortunate trauma's (and you've had more than most people in a lifetime) You've bloomed into the most caring person I know. You have a huge heart of gold for everyone. You are the very strength of our family. You are so wise beyond your years. I look up to you. I love and thank you for that! Love, Mom"
If I could sum up all the expression of gratitude in words, I could end up writing an endless novel for my love and appreciation for you Mom. We have been through a lot together and life has not always been easy but I promise to never forget all you have done. Even though some times have been so rocky with lifes trials, know that I love you tremendously. As much as I have wished to know my father throughout all my life and wished he could of been there too, YOU have always been enough. You are my favorite person and when its just you and I hanging out I couldn't be more happy. I love you Mama, thank you so much for all your kindness and supporting me to serve an LDS Mission. I hope and pray that our relationship will only grow closer even with the distance of miles between us. I will miss you everyday but will never forget to work hard and make you as proud as ever!
To ALL the Fathers and OR Mothers out there that are doing all they can to raise their children with love and support them with their dreams: Bravo, pat on the back, golden star, and a lifetime of well done!
For all that this applies to: H A P P Y F A T H E R S D A Y !!!
Love, Ash
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Meeting with my Bishop... smart advice
I've gotta say im very appreciative to have the bishop that I do now. His wisdom and council surely mean a lot to me and i feel that he truly thinks things through as he should. He said many things tonight that were very good for me to hear. He emphasized on marriage, family, missions, and education. I have felt nervous at times about serving a mission and not because of the mission itself but because my blessing and the bishop have been encouraging marriage more then a mission. I wish that were the case like I had planned on but things took a turn in a different direction and now im left floating around without a plan. (drives me nuts to not have a plan) He said that he doesnt know a single sister missionary that has ever regreted her mission or had anything to complain about. He said that a lot of good could come from it except sisters of the church are strongly encouraged to focus on education and starting a family. well my education is wishy washy because im so clueless and stuck on what it is I truly want to do. Ive got my medical schooling started and completed as far as I need but now I dont want to even go into the medical field. I do realise however that all of this has happened so fast. marriage, the split, a mission. all of which are huge transitions for me and its important to not force myself to heal too fast by rushing into another (for lack of a better word) "project." Its important for me to be patient with myself and not run myself out or exhaust my mind trying to figure every single thing out right now. The bishop is going to ponder my decision faithfully and get back to me on the council part of it soon. He made me feel so welcome to the ward and happy about my decision yet also gave me important forward advice. I sincerely told him that i feel i should follow the peacefulness i get from wanting to serve a mission and prepare for that unless something tells me different. I told him I truly feel that I would regret not going if I looked back on it. But as ive said and learned before all things are subject to change according to the Lords plans for us. Also another thing that I must be aware of is that i have a tendency to be in serious relationships because im in love with being in love. I want to find the right one now and not waste anymore time but it feels like no matter what the relationship is great then suddenly doesnt work out. I feel that it could be a sign that i need to go out and serve in order for my future husband and family to fall into place how it should. The bishop suggested I start taking the institute missionary prep classes and i was so happy walking back out to the car. I feel like I have a direction again. A path that I can rely on myself to make happen. The bishop really targeted the fact that our prophets have all stated that there truly is no designed significant other out there waiting for you in the world. They have stated that two people in love with eachother with unwaivering testimonies of the gospel and same goals can last forever. Whatever the Lords hands are upon, LIVES. If one lets doubt seep in, then it takes a huge toll on the relationship because no commitment can be carried by just one person alone. In other words, you can have true love with anyone you have the same desires with so long as youre both living righteously and never take eachother for granted. I know how difficult a mission is and thats what makes me want to serve one so badly. I want to discipline myself and work hard to reach out. I want to earn the reward of it not just have it given to me. I have that strong desire to better myself. i have the desire to serve. So for now, im going to be preparing for it the best I can and if its not meant to happen i know that ill get that answer. Just going to keep pressing forward and pay attention to everything along the way. We just had family prayer and Wes was kind enough to ask the spirit to guide me and comfort me in the right direction. I feel at peace and like my vision is super clear. Its little things like that and prayers and messages of love that are helping me get through all of this. I love you all so much thanks again for all your sweet text messages, voicemails, concern and support. every bit of it makes all the difference for me! Im so grateful!
love, ash
love, ash
Monday, November 30, 2009
one extreme to another, story of my life.
Hi there! A lot has happened in my life in 2009. Its exhausting infact. Going through many transitions. In and out of relationships, up and down hills of obstacles, change of pace, career change, and a dream I feel that I woke up from sadly enough. Any sort of chaos I may of once had at the first of the year was calmed this last summer in June. June brought nice weather and Justin Milo Vaughn ("the one")
incredible guy, incredible family, all of which I discovered has so much to offer and all have such big hearts.
A bond my own family hasnt had in eleven years or so. A bond I yearned to have because it was the best feeling I ever felt. Its comforting to be surrounded by such a close and faithful family.
Justin, my saving light, brought me out of my adolescent scene and reaquainted me with my true self and strong spiritual testimony once again. He had my heart from day one and there was no doubt about the incredible connection we both shared mutually for so long. We were so happy and so right for eachother. I never said the "M" word before and actually took it serious. Marriage terrified me, yet one night under the stars with Justin it seemed like such an easy topic. future plans rolled off our tongues with huge smiles on our faces of spending the future together. It never felt more right then that night. The stars couldnt of been aligned more perfectly and he couldnt of looked or smelled better then he did all curled around my side. Our whole future spilled out of our hearts to eachother about what we want in marriage, kids, and life in general. We talked of having all of it together, forever.
His family couldn't of been more supportive. His mother and siblings urged the subject. His mothers intuition was so on about us needing to start our lives together. It felt like home.
It was a completed puzzle and I thanked God for the broken road that lead me to this point in my life. It was so real and we were meant for greatness. We grew in love & the gospel, reading scriptures & saying our prayers together at night. It felt too good to be true every time we were together from the fit of our hands or my head upon his chest as it rose and fell. There were far too many moments that pulled us closer. Constant laughter, and chemistry beyond anything i've ever experienced. I realized I had never before Loved anyone as fully as I loved him.
From all the cheesy romantic memories we shared (that i have no need to blog about to you guys) to our situation today, I have to say that im quite at a loss for words. Change is forever constant and abruptly it can effect everything you ever planned. Even the perfect dream. The ring on my finger was a red flag to all guys except him. Everyone saw the stars in my eyes for how much he truly meant to me. After countless 'heart to hearts' and loving concerns, Saturday night November 28, 2009 everything changed. We called it a draw. well, he did. We had minor ups and downs but nothing we were never able to see eye to eye on eventually. They were simple miscommunications of getting to know eachother better and adjusting to our serious relationship and love. We were both so willing to better ourselves and give eachother the benefit of the doubt. We seemed so fine, planning our christmas cruise and going to the beach. Yet our California trip had uncovered a lot I was unaware of. He had battles in his mind and heart that he never brought to my attention. We tried working through this transition but it was confusion in his own mind of his past that he needed to heal. I was helpless and I tried hard each day to be comforting and understanding. He could say jump and i'd say how high? It was beyond me what he needed. We seemed to have gotten right back to normal last week. Thanksgiving on Thursday was great and Friday he came to visit me while I had a cold. We laughed and talked all night. I was so happy. Saturday he went out and rode dirtbikes with family and I never heard from him til night. He told me that faithful prayer had brought him feelings of answers that a relationship isnt right for him right now but two years or so of school is. As you can imagine my heart was officially shattered and future plans had vanished. Everything seemed dull nothing made sense. Well with much faith in the Lord, I studied my Patriarchal blessing for help. It guided me through this little process so far. I am to have unwaivering faith that the lord will unfold my path before me and i'll soon understand why this painful extreme has interupted my greatest love. Difficult and uneasy task yet if I want clarity it must be done. Saturday blurred into Sunday becauseI was so sick i couldnt sleep and never even had an appetite til a couple hours ago today. Sunday afternoon I attended the college singles ward. "Single" really set in deep, making matters harder but I was grateful for the strong feeling of the spirit in the ward. I felt so much peace. I switched my records to the 1st ward which I will now be attending every Sunday. The rest of the day was spent with my dear friend Nikki which was very healthy for me. I live with Justins brother and wife Wes and Talia Vaughn to tend/nanny their house and kids. They are very close to me and Wes read my blessing and suggested, "Ash, why dont you go on a mission? You have such a good way with people and I know you would be the best missionary!" I genuinely considered the thought for a moment. Afterall I have always wanted to help the world somehow and teach others hope through the gospel and share my own personal experiences. I drowned out my sadness with my ipod when night came. Night was when we would spend a lot of time together, fall asleep cuddled and wake to a great morning. Going from that every night to being alone is a transition that will take some getting used to. Listening to music, I choreographed a dance (dance: my passion) in order to find peace again. I prayed faithfully for strength and fell asleep. Monday, (today) brought a lot of inspiration. I woke up with a calm heart until I fully opened my eyes and the lonely feelings began to flood in again. I have a feeling those feelings will be camping out for a while so I try to push them to the back of my mind the best I can. It brought me straight to my knees in prayer. I studied my blessing, sat outside in the perfect weather on the back patio and spoke with all the wisest people I know. My Bishop, the Patriarch, my closest friends, my mother Vicki Gillum and my second mother Robin Vaughn. I discussed with them the most important decision of my life so far. Deciding to serve an lds mission. They all were ecstatic surprisingly, supportive and helpful. Plus i've gotten much support from many others like Justin, his angel of a sister Brooke, Wes, loving Talia, the sister missionaries, and so forth. My heart is weak with loss of love yet through the clouds ive treaded on in faith on a higher route to heal my pain through service of others. It has brought me sunlight. I feel that this is my destiny. I feel that this turning point has takin place so that I would truly know true love, have it wrapped around me long enough to give me courage, & then to get me here to show the lord what I will make of this trial. To prove to myself I am capable of more then I thought possible. To touch the lives of others and lose myself in that opportunity. I am forever grateful for Justin I am sure that I will never stop loving him. Im eternally grateful for the Vaughn family that I know will always be family to me. Im grateful for Justins genuine charity and friendship. Im grateful for the support from all my good friends and family. I will show Heavenly Father, in whom I am eternally indebted to, that I am humble and I wont fail thee. I will bite my tongue when I feel like complaining of my pain because I know that christ took the majority of each of our pains upon himself through the atonement and i must forever remember that and gain strength through that knowledge. Tomorrow I meet with the bishop to start preparing for this mission of mine. Ill be 21 in August so i've got a lot to get in order by then so I can hopefully leave around my birthday. Im so excited to go out with the sister missionaries soon and learn from them to prepare me as well. I'm so highly appreciative of all of you that love and support me. Each of you mean more then you will ever know. I really hope I can pull through all this quick and focus on the only relationship that truly matters in life, my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Wish me luck im gonna need all I can get :)
-ash
incredible guy, incredible family, all of which I discovered has so much to offer and all have such big hearts.
A bond my own family hasnt had in eleven years or so. A bond I yearned to have because it was the best feeling I ever felt. Its comforting to be surrounded by such a close and faithful family.
Justin, my saving light, brought me out of my adolescent scene and reaquainted me with my true self and strong spiritual testimony once again. He had my heart from day one and there was no doubt about the incredible connection we both shared mutually for so long. We were so happy and so right for eachother. I never said the "M" word before and actually took it serious. Marriage terrified me, yet one night under the stars with Justin it seemed like such an easy topic. future plans rolled off our tongues with huge smiles on our faces of spending the future together. It never felt more right then that night. The stars couldnt of been aligned more perfectly and he couldnt of looked or smelled better then he did all curled around my side. Our whole future spilled out of our hearts to eachother about what we want in marriage, kids, and life in general. We talked of having all of it together, forever.
His family couldn't of been more supportive. His mother and siblings urged the subject. His mothers intuition was so on about us needing to start our lives together. It felt like home.
It was a completed puzzle and I thanked God for the broken road that lead me to this point in my life. It was so real and we were meant for greatness. We grew in love & the gospel, reading scriptures & saying our prayers together at night. It felt too good to be true every time we were together from the fit of our hands or my head upon his chest as it rose and fell. There were far too many moments that pulled us closer. Constant laughter, and chemistry beyond anything i've ever experienced. I realized I had never before Loved anyone as fully as I loved him.
From all the cheesy romantic memories we shared (that i have no need to blog about to you guys) to our situation today, I have to say that im quite at a loss for words. Change is forever constant and abruptly it can effect everything you ever planned. Even the perfect dream. The ring on my finger was a red flag to all guys except him. Everyone saw the stars in my eyes for how much he truly meant to me. After countless 'heart to hearts' and loving concerns, Saturday night November 28, 2009 everything changed. We called it a draw. well, he did. We had minor ups and downs but nothing we were never able to see eye to eye on eventually. They were simple miscommunications of getting to know eachother better and adjusting to our serious relationship and love. We were both so willing to better ourselves and give eachother the benefit of the doubt. We seemed so fine, planning our christmas cruise and going to the beach. Yet our California trip had uncovered a lot I was unaware of. He had battles in his mind and heart that he never brought to my attention. We tried working through this transition but it was confusion in his own mind of his past that he needed to heal. I was helpless and I tried hard each day to be comforting and understanding. He could say jump and i'd say how high? It was beyond me what he needed. We seemed to have gotten right back to normal last week. Thanksgiving on Thursday was great and Friday he came to visit me while I had a cold. We laughed and talked all night. I was so happy. Saturday he went out and rode dirtbikes with family and I never heard from him til night. He told me that faithful prayer had brought him feelings of answers that a relationship isnt right for him right now but two years or so of school is. As you can imagine my heart was officially shattered and future plans had vanished. Everything seemed dull nothing made sense. Well with much faith in the Lord, I studied my Patriarchal blessing for help. It guided me through this little process so far. I am to have unwaivering faith that the lord will unfold my path before me and i'll soon understand why this painful extreme has interupted my greatest love. Difficult and uneasy task yet if I want clarity it must be done. Saturday blurred into Sunday becauseI was so sick i couldnt sleep and never even had an appetite til a couple hours ago today. Sunday afternoon I attended the college singles ward. "Single" really set in deep, making matters harder but I was grateful for the strong feeling of the spirit in the ward. I felt so much peace. I switched my records to the 1st ward which I will now be attending every Sunday. The rest of the day was spent with my dear friend Nikki which was very healthy for me. I live with Justins brother and wife Wes and Talia Vaughn to tend/nanny their house and kids. They are very close to me and Wes read my blessing and suggested, "Ash, why dont you go on a mission? You have such a good way with people and I know you would be the best missionary!" I genuinely considered the thought for a moment. Afterall I have always wanted to help the world somehow and teach others hope through the gospel and share my own personal experiences. I drowned out my sadness with my ipod when night came. Night was when we would spend a lot of time together, fall asleep cuddled and wake to a great morning. Going from that every night to being alone is a transition that will take some getting used to. Listening to music, I choreographed a dance (dance: my passion) in order to find peace again. I prayed faithfully for strength and fell asleep. Monday, (today) brought a lot of inspiration. I woke up with a calm heart until I fully opened my eyes and the lonely feelings began to flood in again. I have a feeling those feelings will be camping out for a while so I try to push them to the back of my mind the best I can. It brought me straight to my knees in prayer. I studied my blessing, sat outside in the perfect weather on the back patio and spoke with all the wisest people I know. My Bishop, the Patriarch, my closest friends, my mother Vicki Gillum and my second mother Robin Vaughn. I discussed with them the most important decision of my life so far. Deciding to serve an lds mission. They all were ecstatic surprisingly, supportive and helpful. Plus i've gotten much support from many others like Justin, his angel of a sister Brooke, Wes, loving Talia, the sister missionaries, and so forth. My heart is weak with loss of love yet through the clouds ive treaded on in faith on a higher route to heal my pain through service of others. It has brought me sunlight. I feel that this is my destiny. I feel that this turning point has takin place so that I would truly know true love, have it wrapped around me long enough to give me courage, & then to get me here to show the lord what I will make of this trial. To prove to myself I am capable of more then I thought possible. To touch the lives of others and lose myself in that opportunity. I am forever grateful for Justin I am sure that I will never stop loving him. Im eternally grateful for the Vaughn family that I know will always be family to me. Im grateful for Justins genuine charity and friendship. Im grateful for the support from all my good friends and family. I will show Heavenly Father, in whom I am eternally indebted to, that I am humble and I wont fail thee. I will bite my tongue when I feel like complaining of my pain because I know that christ took the majority of each of our pains upon himself through the atonement and i must forever remember that and gain strength through that knowledge. Tomorrow I meet with the bishop to start preparing for this mission of mine. Ill be 21 in August so i've got a lot to get in order by then so I can hopefully leave around my birthday. Im so excited to go out with the sister missionaries soon and learn from them to prepare me as well. I'm so highly appreciative of all of you that love and support me. Each of you mean more then you will ever know. I really hope I can pull through all this quick and focus on the only relationship that truly matters in life, my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Wish me luck im gonna need all I can get :)
-ash
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