Relationships are a huge part of growing in life. When I think back to the first time a boy made me blush on the playground it brings a smile. Ofcourse you have the crush in your class or maybe the neighbor friend you collected bugs with but fast forward to your first actual relationship. My very first one was all about cute notes in the hallways at school, holding hands at football games...
& my very first kiss in the loft of a barn, with a handsome respectable boy thats now serving a mission in a far away land.Time passes by and after a few different experiences with a few different people, the butterflies & concern set in for eachother a little deeper than before and it seems to always be new or different than the last one.
High school comes & then it feels like ALL that matters. When your sweetheart causes you any pain it feels like your heart is breaking.
You may feel its the end of the world but its truly just the beginning. You will look back and laugh on the majority of High School emotions. You then realize in the first bit of college, that giving your heart to someone entirely is even harder. You find protection in new arms that feel comfortable,
While laying on water towers, making pictures out of clouds you share common interests about the future. You give your heart away and run reckless.
You decide to invest your time in all of this. You see sunshine & face storms together while life comes at the both of you. A year or two go by things are fading apart and suddenly: "we're better off friends, I still love you & we will be friends forever" ...or so they say.{Little did you know, theres an expiration date on their meaning of forever.} You know deep down that its best but its hard parting ways.
You might have a day where you give in. You might try to communicate with them. For the simple reason of missing their friendship. If they respond nicely these old emotions could effect your future. Also be aware that if you do this, they most likely wont budge. You will most likely get a rude reaction or none at all. (mostly with guys, because girls are more sensitive) This will also teach you a lot. You dont NEED that person to respond. Stop hoping the phone will ring. They are no longer in your life for a reason. If they cherished your friendship equally they would make sure to still let you know. If not, you accept it and keep going. You learn to pick yourself back up again. There you are back at the beginning yet taking much more caution. You travel around looking for excitement to get your mind off any feelings other than happy ones. You meet new people that remind you again what it was like having a 24 hr. smile. They are those that always want to venture off with you, take a hundred random pictures,
& make you laugh. Laughter sets you free again, so you this is what you need. You surround yourself with what makes you smile so you no longer look behind you. You find yourself at a new age, new perspective with new desires. As you reflect on what you've learned so far, you should see that loving was worth it, even when it hurt. Just as C.S. Lewis said it best:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
You have built up walls by now that are just short enough to see over them yourself but you know not to let anyone fully in for a long time. You keep the door kept closed and only express pieces of you that arent too fragile.
At this point, You have lived enough to know life has its various changes, you have your ambitions, your goals, your hobbies that keep you occupied, and jobs that pass time while you are making a living.
Like a photograph of traffic lights blurring to your favorite songs, life keeps on zipping by in a blur of random stories. You make yourself happy with your own ideas of interest. You make your mark here as you expand your creativity. You amuse yourself with your own talents & see how truly unique you are. Friends act as gaurds to the castle you keep cooped up in and you play it cool to everyone.
People come and go in and out of your life. Like when you hear the ding on the elevator, doors open, you walk out, someone walks in and you stare directly at eachother. Attention is obviously caught yet you might or might not ever see each other again.
Sure you can leave it to serendipity and hope an accident will happen on purpose. Its up to you. Keep in mind that when we arent looking, irony plays a big role in surprising us with the unexpected. 
Now someone very different comes along, from day one you are both in awe with eachother. Chemistry that drives you so crazy in the best possible way. You cant get enough of eachothers company and your cheeks hurt from smiling.
You fit like puzzle pieces it feels complete. Butterflies too big to put a name on. Looking in eachothers eyes, no matter how disbelieving you were before, suddenly you now believe in true love. You realize now that you never fully loved anything before this. This is the person you have been searching for & didnt really know it. You dance that dream for a time that seems will never end. Just maybe you talk of marriage and plan out your lives together. Is it too good to be true? Combine all the years of great feelings put together and thensome but fit it all into a fraction of all that time, and this is what you get. The best you ever had. This is what brings to your view that you have been getting closer to what you want all along. Before you settle into these heavenly clouds too much, prepare for the worst, even at this time. When you feel that things are just getting better, that person may or may not be on the same exact page as you in this fairytale. They may have their worrying doubts, unresolved personal problems, or heart that still aches over things you cant fix for them. They may be a step or two ahead & seem as if they dont care to slow down or catch up to you at this point. They seem to be headed in a different direction because they've lost all willingness to keep it going.
Thats the fairytale you never saw an ending to. Thats thinking theres an extra stair in the case when there isnt and your foot collapses you. Its more loneliness than you thought possible & for a moment you hate yourself for loving someone that much. Its a sick feeling you thought you wouldnt ever feel again but the loss of it all will remind you how alive you are. Consider this a rough can of pop-eye's spinach; you will be made much stronger & Youll be thankful for it later. Endure it with faith. Indeed it hurts but there is a reason for everything, Trust me.
The process seems to be repeating itself when you thought you'd finished the race and won the prize, I know it's exhausting.
"Why is it that we mortals always want what we can't have? Perhaps we need to show more gratitude for whats right in front of us at the present time in order for each passing day to be well lived and also loved."
When you remember theres sunshine behind the clouds, you'll come out again to feel its warmth. Experiences of life keep coming because time doesnt wait. If you let your past go and decide to accept the now by living this quote "COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!" I promise you will feel your heart fill up with joy again. I was blessed enough to have found yet another amazing guy that genuinely cared about me. He filled in gaps I didnt know exsisted and showered me with kindness everyday expecting nothing in return. We bonded a great relationship with each other and a friendship that will last forever.
Each opportunity to get to know a new person could be the greatest thing you ever did. No matter what happens, you will learn something. Whether it be something you do or dont want, I promise it will teach you much more than you imagined.
Im far from perfect & ive got a lot of refining of my soul to do still but if I can say im great at anything i'd say I am great at keeping my word when I say, "Ill always be there for you, im always a friend" Im proud of myself for following through with the compassion I promise to others that ive gone through things in life with. Im glad I keep up my sincerity of lending comfort even if its over the phone. I am quick to forgive, firm in my promises and true to my friendships. There arent any regrets.
Regina Spektor put it this way:
"this is how it works,
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath
this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some--
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again
on the radio
you hear november rain
that solo's awful long
But its a good refrain."
The more ive dated, the more baggage ive let go and tools ive learned to bring along the journey. As a bishop put it on Sunday, "The more i PREPARE/PREVENT the less i have to REPAIR/REPENT." I take the glowing embers out of the experience and avoid more hazard signs. The older I get the more inside myself I see. Who I really am and what I want most in life. I see the depth of things that really matter and weed out the minor details that dont. The closer I get to serving my mission, I feel this love inside my heart growing for people that I dont yet know. The people Ill be serving and teaching. The families, the companions, the friends ill make along the journey. That kind of love is connected to the Holy Spirit. I feel it tugging at my heart strings while I hear the sacrament prayer at church and ponder the atonement, I feel it grow when I hold a child in my arms or when I remind myself of joyful tears ive seen investigators weep as we taught them the gospel. That kind of love seems to be all I can possess right now. The Lord and my Father in Heaven are the only focus of mine.
However... there are days that I reflect on all this love I know I can and will give someday. Growing up without any male figures in my family life at all, I have always had a tendency to dream big about what I hope will come along one day because ive never had it. With big dreams, you have to keep an open mind that it could be waiting around any corner wearing any disguise, whether your ready or not. You must take advantage of all opportunities that come along, then go to Heavenly Father about it. Remember its not THY will, but HIS will. He knows whats best us and if nothing greater comes of it other then friendship, at least you can have gratitude for finding that. Im grateful for all the people Ive been able to share my life with, Im sorry for any of my wrongs of the past, for any times Ive fell short or could of done something better. Im older now, definitely wiser and that too improves with time.
"like stones in the river, we are tossed & turned, when the current moves so strong but stones in living waters over time, are shaped until the edges are gone, polished & smooth, that's what we will be if we put ourselves in god's hands."
It is when we become meek, humble, submissive, that we grow beyond the limits that we create for ourselves when we are hard, selfish or prideful. If we think we are so right about everything we will remain the same and never know what we could of done different or better.
"Whether you believe you can, or you can't, either way, you are right!"
Im filled with peace to know that all I have to do, is MY very best. Focus on what is in my control and have the courage to accept things I cannot change. I know that my mission is in my hands. I know I must work so hard each day because theres no going back. Then, when my mission is fully completed... I will come back home and have to get used to "normal life" again.
I know that when the time is then right, & as I remain humble, the Lord will guide me to all my dreams coming ture if I have the courage & am willing to go where he guides. When I find the one to marry I will know from the start how special they are to me. Ill know that ill never want to be apart from them again.
It will be the most happy days of my life. As if Ive never been hurt, because I will give them every ounce of love I have always had and in addition to what ill gain from my mission. I will be a new person. It will be a new day, a new horizon for the rest of my life. It will take work but im willing because
"you can only coast through life downhill, Its the hardships, the trials & the effort to endure climbing up hill that the rewards await; Whats hard is hard, whats easy isnt worth it so choose whats RIGHT vs. what is EASY & you will find the greatest worth!"
I have always pictured the greatest fairytale love story for my life and something tells me thats exactly what its going to be. Nothing less. Resembling the lyrics of Chantel Krev-It Feels Like Home. I know thats EXACTLY what it will feel like!
Yet theres one question many people forget to ask. Coming from one of the most hopeless romantic girls you could ever meet(me)... I speak from experience and from words ive found to be very wise: WHATS THE RUSH PEOPLE??? There is none. I know that when the time comes, there is no time rush nor limit, when it is right it will surely happen. I shall neal at the alter in the temple to be sealed for all of time to the one I truly love.
I will marry the man of my dreams and we shall grow in love together everyday until we are ready to take all that love and create another life.
A beautiful child to complete our happiness. That happiness will only intensify greater and greater when we look into the eyes of all of our children we bring into world within the sacred covenants of marriage. 
When you get to that point in your life where your childs head resting upon your chest is the most priceless thing you have ever seen, thats when all else thats gone before ceases to matter to you. You see that the pain along the journey was all worth it. Right now is the time to prepare yourself to be the best you can for that most important role in life. Your eternal companion is not just a toss up,its ETERNAL!
It should be well prayed about. Always keep in mind, whatever the Lord fully has his hands upon, lives! Dont just pray to marry the one you love, pray to always love the one you marry!
Theres a beautiful young woman in my ward named Jessie and she always has really profound examples we can learn from when she teaches sunday school. She told this one of life being a train track around a huge mountain. Atop the mtn. is Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, The Holy Spirit, the Gospel etc... which are those that can see the whole entire picture vs. us who can only see whats right in front, not around the corner, not on the other side of the mtn, not at the end of our track. If we hold tight to trusting in them and do our best right now, then all things will work for our greater good if we are paying attention.
Recently Ive been struggling with some things of my own. The closer I get to my mission the stronger im tempted in sly subtle ways. The closer I get, the more I understand my friend Alex Kefalas's words of his months before he left.
He said,
"Ash, Im just going to tell you that before my mission I went through some wierd emotions. I knew what was ahead of me and the person I needed to be on my mission so it was almost as if the old me was screaming to get the last of it out. I know that sounds kind of funny, but maybe you know what im saying. Its like old habbits pop up and you catch yourself faster but you wonder where they even came from. & the things you do now that you cant do anymore when you leave have a lot to do with your emotions and actions to because youre preparing for a huge change that you know is coming soon."
Ive never heard anyone explain it or understand it better than he did when we talked about it all today. I've come across the realization that I still have emotions I grew up feeling that tend to affect my actions still now. When I feel attacked or accused sometimes those old emotions will come out and I have no idea why. Suddenly my defense comes out in fear of being more hurt. I know and testify that the gospel has put those faults in perspective much quicker for me than if I were to be stubborn and hard hearted or prideful. I have realized that I have taken so many steps to accepting my mistakes so I may fix them sooner. I see that each day is a test in the many seasons of life.
It isnt supposed to get easier. We had our agency to come to this earth to progress so thats what we should expect to be doing. Each obstacle is overcame with hard work. We cant make it to Heaven expecting a free ticket when its a ladder we climb a little more each day.
just as Joseph Smith said whole heartedly, "If you could just peer into even a fraction of the firmament of Heaven, you would make sure to never ever sin again!"
because our Father in Heaven loves us so much, its all for our benefit anyway and if we will just remember the BIGGER picture with the end result in mind, we will use our agency wisely & its going to be so WORTH IT :)
I pray that any of you reading may of found something peacefully helpful that you can take from this blog to apply in your lives and I pray that you strive to always hold on a little longer, while keeping an eye on the bigger picture. God Bless!!!
- Ashley Ann
