one extreme to another, story of my life.

Hi there! A lot has happened in my life in 2009. Its exhausting infact. Going through many transitions. In and out of relationships, up and down hills of obstacles, change of pace, career change, and a dream I feel that I woke up from sadly enough. Any sort of chaos I may of once had at the first of the year was calmed this last summer in June. June brought nice weather and Justin Milo Vaughn ("the one")


incredible guy, incredible family, all of which I discovered has so much to offer and all have such big hearts.

A bond my own family hasnt had in eleven years or so. A bond I yearned to have because it was the best feeling I ever felt. Its comforting to be surrounded by such a close and faithful family.



Justin, my saving light, brought me out of my adolescent scene and reaquainted me with my true self and strong spiritual testimony once again. He had my heart from day one and there was no doubt about the incredible connection we both shared mutually for so long. We were so happy and so right for eachother. I never said the "M" word before and actually took it serious. Marriage terrified me, yet one night under the stars with Justin it seemed like such an easy topic. future plans rolled off our tongues with huge smiles on our faces of spending the future together. It never felt more right then that night. The stars couldnt of been aligned more perfectly and he couldnt of looked or smelled better then he did all curled around my side. Our whole future spilled out of our hearts to eachother about what we want in marriage, kids, and life in general. We talked of having all of it together, forever.

His family couldn't of been more supportive. His mother and siblings urged the subject. His mothers intuition was so on about us needing to start our lives together. It felt like home.

It was a completed puzzle and I thanked God for the broken road that lead me to this point in my life. It was so real and we were meant for greatness. We grew in love & the gospel, reading scriptures & saying our prayers together at night. It felt too good to be true every time we were together from the fit of our hands or my head upon his chest as it rose and fell. There were far too many moments that pulled us closer. Constant laughter, and chemistry beyond anything i've ever experienced. I realized I had never before Loved anyone as fully as I loved him.

From all the cheesy romantic memories we shared (that i have no need to blog about to you guys) to our situation today, I have to say that im quite at a loss for words. Change is forever constant and abruptly it can effect everything you ever planned. Even the perfect dream. The ring on my finger was a red flag to all guys except him. Everyone saw the stars in my eyes for how much he truly meant to me. After countless 'heart to hearts' and loving concerns, Saturday night November 28, 2009 everything changed. We called it a draw. well, he did. We had minor ups and downs but nothing we were never able to see eye to eye on eventually. They were simple miscommunications of getting to know eachother better and adjusting to our serious relationship and love. We were both so willing to better ourselves and give eachother the benefit of the doubt. We seemed so fine, planning our christmas cruise and going to the beach. Yet our California trip had uncovered a lot I was unaware of. He had battles in his mind and heart that he never brought to my attention. We tried working through this transition but it was confusion in his own mind of his past that he needed to heal. I was helpless and I tried hard each day to be comforting and understanding. He could say jump and i'd say how high? It was beyond me what he needed. We seemed to have gotten right back to normal last week. Thanksgiving on Thursday was great and Friday he came to visit me while I had a cold. We laughed and talked all night. I was so happy. Saturday he went out and rode dirtbikes with family and I never heard from him til night. He told me that faithful prayer had brought him feelings of answers that a relationship isnt right for him right now but two years or so of school is. As you can imagine my heart was officially shattered and future plans had vanished. Everything seemed dull nothing made sense. Well with much faith in the Lord, I studied my Patriarchal blessing for help. It guided me through this little process so far. I am to have unwaivering faith that the lord will unfold my path before me and i'll soon understand why this painful extreme has interupted my greatest love. Difficult and uneasy task yet if I want clarity it must be done. Saturday blurred into Sunday becauseI was so sick i couldnt sleep and never even had an appetite til a couple hours ago today. Sunday afternoon I attended the college singles ward. "Single" really set in deep, making matters harder but I was grateful for the strong feeling of the spirit in the ward. I felt so much peace. I switched my records to the 1st ward which I will now be attending every Sunday. The rest of the day was spent with my dear friend Nikki which was very healthy for me. I live with Justins brother and wife Wes and Talia Vaughn to tend/nanny their house and kids. They are very close to me and Wes read my blessing and suggested, "Ash, why dont you go on a mission? You have such a good way with people and I know you would be the best missionary!" I genuinely considered the thought for a moment. Afterall I have always wanted to help the world somehow and teach others hope through the gospel and share my own personal experiences. I drowned out my sadness with my ipod when night came. Night was when we would spend a lot of time together, fall asleep cuddled and wake to a great morning. Going from that every night to being alone is a transition that will take some getting used to. Listening to music, I choreographed a dance (dance: my passion) in order to find peace again. I prayed faithfully for strength and fell asleep. Monday, (today) brought a lot of inspiration. I woke up with a calm heart until I fully opened my eyes and the lonely feelings began to flood in again. I have a feeling those feelings will be camping out for a while so I try to push them to the back of my mind the best I can. It brought me straight to my knees in prayer. I studied my blessing, sat outside in the perfect weather on the back patio and spoke with all the wisest people I know. My Bishop, the Patriarch, my closest friends, my mother Vicki Gillum and my second mother Robin Vaughn. I discussed with them the most important decision of my life so far. Deciding to serve an lds mission. They all were ecstatic surprisingly, supportive and helpful. Plus i've gotten much support from many others like Justin, his angel of a sister Brooke, Wes, loving Talia, the sister missionaries, and so forth. My heart is weak with loss of love yet through the clouds ive treaded on in faith on a higher route to heal my pain through service of others. It has brought me sunlight. I feel that this is my destiny. I feel that this turning point has takin place so that I would truly know true love, have it wrapped around me long enough to give me courage, & then to get me here to show the lord what I will make of this trial. To prove to myself I am capable of more then I thought possible. To touch the lives of others and lose myself in that opportunity. I am forever grateful for Justin I am sure that I will never stop loving him. Im eternally grateful for the Vaughn family that I know will always be family to me. Im grateful for Justins genuine charity and friendship. Im grateful for the support from all my good friends and family. I will show Heavenly Father, in whom I am eternally indebted to, that I am humble and I wont fail thee. I will bite my tongue when I feel like complaining of my pain because I know that christ took the majority of each of our pains upon himself through the atonement and i must forever remember that and gain strength through that knowledge. Tomorrow I meet with the bishop to start preparing for this mission of mine. Ill be 21 in August so i've got a lot to get in order by then so I can hopefully leave around my birthday. Im so excited to go out with the sister missionaries soon and learn from them to prepare me as well. I'm so highly appreciative of all of you that love and support me. Each of you mean more then you will ever know. I really hope I can pull through all this quick and focus on the only relationship that truly matters in life, my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Wish me luck im gonna need all I can get :)

-ash